As parents, carers, and educators, we all want to help children learn, grow, and thrive. It’s natural to reach for strategies that seem to work in the moment—like offering a treat for good behaviour or threatening a consequence for challenging actions. But have you ever wondered why these approaches often lose their effectiveness over time? 

Let’s explore why bribes and threats might not be the best tools for supporting children’s development, and what you can do instead. 

1. Bribes and Threats Focus on Immediate Compliance, Not Understanding

• Bribes (e.g., “If you tidy up, you’ll get a lolly”) and threats (e.g., “If you don’t listen, you’ll lose screen time”) can sometimes get a quick result. However, they don’t help children understand why a behaviour is expected or how their actions affect others. 

• Over time, children may become reliant on external rewards or fearful of consequences, rather than developing their own sense of responsibility or empathy. 

2. They Can Increase Anxiety and Reduce Trust

• When children are frequently met with threats, it can create a sense of anxiety or insecurity. They may worry about making mistakes or feel less safe to express themselves. 

• Bribes can also undermine trust. Children might start to expect a reward for every positive action, making it harder for them to act out of intrinsic motivation. 

3. They Don’t Address the Underlying Cause of Behaviour 

• All behaviour is a form of communication. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behaviour?” try to be curious: “What is my child trying to tell me?” 

• By focusing only on the surface (the behaviour itself), we miss the chance to understand sensory needs, emotional states, or communication difficulties that might be driving the behaviour.

4. What Works Instead? Compassionate, Proactive Strategies

Here are some gentle, effective alternatives: 

• Narrate and Connect: Talk about what’s happening, using statements rather than questions or commands. For example, “I see you’re feeling frustrated right now,” or “We could try building the tower together.” 

• Offer Choices Without Pressure: Instead of demanding a decision, make suggestions and give reasons. “You could try this or that.” 

• Acknowledge Feelings: Recognise your child’s experience. “It’s hard to wait your turn. I understand.” 

• Use Non-Verbal Cues: Sometimes a gesture or a pause can communicate more than words, giving your child time to process and respond. 

• Build Understanding: Explain the why before the what. “I want to find our toys next time. So we need to put them away.” 

5. Remember: Behaviour Change Takes Time

Children—especially those who are neurodiverse—need time, patience, and understanding as they learn new skills. By focusing on connection, curiosity, and compassion, you’re helping your child build the foundation for lifelong self-regulation and confidence. 

 You’re not alone on this journey—together, we can help children flourish in their own unique way.

Author: Kimberly Elter – Occupational Therapist