As parents, it’s only natural to want to ease our children’s struggles—whether it’s a meltdown before school, a refusal to try new foods, or a need for things to be “just so.” We often accommodate by adjusting routines, avoiding certain situations, or stepping in to smooth things over. This comes from a place of deep love and empathy, and it’s completely understandable. 

Why Do Parents Accommodate? 

• Desire to Protect: We want to shield our children from distress, frustration, or overwhelm. 
• Seeking Calm: Adjusting things can quickly restore peace in the moment. 
• Avoiding Escalation: Hoping to prevent meltdowns, shutdowns, or conflict. 
• Uncertainty: Sometimes, it’s hard to know what else to do, especially when our child is struggling. 

When Accommodation Becomes Unhelpful 

While accommodating can bring short-term relief, over time it may actually make things harder for both parent and child: 

• Missed Opportunities for Growth: Children may not get the chance to practise coping, problem-solving, or adapting to change. 
• Reinforces Avoidance: If we always change the environment or routine, children may learn that avoiding challenges is the best way to feel better. 
• Increases Dependence: Kids may become more reliant on adults to manage their world, rather than developing their own skills and confidence. 
• Limits Resilience: Children may struggle to handle new or unexpected situations, making everyday life more stressful for everyone. 

How Can Parents Respond More Effectively? 

• Be Curious: Try to understand what’s behind your child’s behaviour—sensory needs, communication difficulties, a need for predictability, or something else. 
• Validate Their Experience: Let your child know you see their struggle (“I can see this is hard for you”) without immediately changing the situation. 
• Support Gradual Change: Encourage small steps towards facing challenges, whether it’s trying a new activity, joining a group, or tolerating a different routine. 
• Model Confidence: Show your child you believe they can handle discomfort and learn new skills. 
• Problem-Solve Together: Involve your child in finding solutions, building their sense of agency and resilience. 

Remember: Accommodation is a sign of your care and connection. By shifting from “fixing” to “supporting,” you help your child build the confidence, flexibility, and independence they need to thrive—not just in the moment, but for life. 

Author : Kimberly Elter – Occupational Therapist